The Love Boat/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show"! Here's the man who inspires us to boldly go where no handyman has gone before, the psychiatric ward, your hero, my uncle, red green! (applause and cheering) thank you very much. Thank you. Appreciate it. I was hoping to show you a boat project we're working on, but we've had a set-back. We got a new boat? Junior singleton got a big gravel barges. Gonna turn her into a bass boat -- 40-ton capacity. Big enough for the whole lodge. Just. You're gonna need a bigger motor to push it. We've each got one. You fit them all the way around the sides. Everybody's got their own motor. Yeah. But if everybody has their own motor, how you gonna steer it? Point your motor where you wanna go, and if you can get enough horsepower to agree with ya you're gonna get there. Talk about democracy in action -- so what's the hold-up? There's no real nice way to put this, but, junior's no longer with us. He's gone. Junior singleton's dead? No, harold, it's worse. He's in love. (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): You're lookin' at segments from this particular show, the message being, don't even think about changing the channel. To make sense out of this programme, you gotta give it your undivided attention. Junior singleton's really serious about a girl? Where did they meet? They met at one of tool-swap-meet things. Her name is noreen, and she was there trying to trade her butterfly impact wrench, and along comes junior with his flexible-head ratchet with two nuts missing. Love at first swap. They got nothing in common. I mean, she's metric, he's imperial. Can't work. Sounds like you don't want it to work, uncle red. We should have seen this coming. We should have known there was a girl involved. He's been so happy lately, shaving every day, eating properly. Saying "excuse me," no matter who did it. (laughing) he looks the same. I saw him going into norton's feed and videos. He went in to get "our man flint" starring james coburn. He came out with "xanadu" starring olivia newton-john. That's what love will do. Why can't junior work on the boat and see noreen? Once noreen is there they get into the mushy-face stuff and you can't concentrate. You'll understand once puberty kicks in. Later, we're gonna have "adventures with bill". These boys are going to ford the stream. If I'd have gone with the van, I would have dodged the stream. A little automotive humour. This is some kind of camp. It's certainly not high camp, and hopefully not "mein" camp. It's just camp. They're gonna get a little drinking water. The water up here is like crystal-spring clear. You can take it right out of many of the lakes and streams. This isn't one of them though. No, no, no, no. All right, yeah, yeah. All right, fine, you're fine. Bill, being an avid camper, has water purification tablets. That looks like something that has been re-labelled by... By... That suggests to me that's probably not -- ok, they're fine. There we go. You just put a few of those tablets in with your water -- not too many now, bill. No, I think you need two. Just the two, two, two... Then you put the water in and you get a chemical reaction. This may be why it's... Uh... Boys, that's a... Fellas, I think you put a little too much. You're getting too much, too much -- you might wanna get the top off. You've got time. Take the top off. Get it off, get it off, get it off. That was only a suggestion. You should have left the top on there, guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, what they have there is crystal clear rain, and crystal clear fog, which is what bill and harold are in most of the time. Oh yeah. You still got a couple -- there you go. You can at least purify your own saliva, right, harold? Hopefully it will sterilize him. ♪ oh, the mountain is high ♪ ♪ and the valley is low ♪ ♪ it's the laws of nature that make it so ♪ ♪ if the valley is high ♪ ♪ and the mountain is low ♪ ♪ you're either upside down or drunk or both ♪ ♪ low ♪ she told you where to pick her up. She told you to write it down. You told her you didn't need to. Where has that gotten ya? Looking for a house that may have your wife in it. This is not your finest hour. You're gonna have to redeem yourself big-time. This is what you gotta do. Rent one of those portable signs, the ones you tow behind your car. Make up a mushy sign just for her. Hook it up -- start driving around. Honk your horn. Shout her name. Whatever draws a crowd. Hopefully you'll be in the right general area, and she'll hear you coming. Unfortunately, so will all the neighbours. They'll all come out, and you'll be able to pick her out in the crowd. Yoo-hoo, honey. You will be professing your love in front of people you've never met, but she'll never suspect you forgot where she was. Sure, you'll look like a dork, but it's better than her finding out the truth. The important thing is that you found her. And you've done something that could be vaguely construed as romantic. We know you're not romantic -- you're just stupid. The beauty of wood furniture is you can paint it any colour you want, black, orange, purple, whatever goes with your curtains. This chair is one bernice and I call our guest chair. A lot of memories in this chair, not happy ones. If I'm going to strip that chair, there have got to be 10 coats of paint, so I'm gonna need something powerful to take that off. Remember, when you're taking these off, you're talking... Kind of corrosive-- oh! Very corrosive stuff. I would suggest you go with the protective-- ah! I would recommend that you go with the protective gloves, unless you really enjoy a good burn. And, uh, you might wanna wear an apron, too, to avoid injury. Or arrest, or frostbite. There we go. We got the chemical on there. Now we, uh... The stuff has stripped the instructions off the can. Hmm? What? We wait? All right, harold says we wait. I've been waiting upwards of two minutes. Nothing bugs a handyman more than a stripper that works too slow. I think we gotta spike up our chemical mix, throw some normal stripper in. I got this other, special stuff. Got this from my grandfather. They found it in the barn after the cow died. Oh boy, she's pretty thick. That should do the trick. Oh my! Get that on the chair. We got a few layers off. I'd say we're back to about 1978. But we're still not down to bare wood. So I think we need to switch to something stronger. I got a great mix going in here. I got bleach. I got caustic soda. I got drain cleaner, nail polish remover, ammonia, peroxide, and six bottles of mr. Gouda's snappy pop. All I need to do is take my car battery and jump start the whole shebang. By golly. Better get this on the chair before it eats through the pot. There we go. Chair's smaller than I thought. Must have been more paint on there... That chemical is... We haven't just refinished the chair. We've actually finished it. Remember, if women don't find you handsome they should at least find you handy. Doesn't surprise me. Relax -- whatever this is, we got more of it. I wanna talk to you about something that you're probably already aware of. When you think about how many things there are to know, you don't know many of them. When you were a teenager you knew everything. But didn't you find that the smarter you got the less you knew. Now you can barely find your car keys. A lot of guys learn all there is to know about some obscure topic, like studebaker hood ornaments, then try to work that into every conversation. They'll say "the president of the united states, "that's a person that people look to, a symbol. "you know what it reminds me of? "hood ornaments." here's a better idea. Try do what women do. It's called listening. Women have mastered the art of listening to people go on and on about something that no one has any interest in. Things like hood ornaments. So try listening to someone. They won't mind that you're not saying anything. They'll think you're agreeing with their opinions, and, in their minds, you'll be brilliant. Here's the best part. You don't have to pretend to be smarter than the person you're listening to. Chances are you're not. Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together. What started as a great idea is a big pain in the neck. We got junior working on the boat again. Now he brings noreen with him. She is the yoko ono of bass barges. (audience laughing) uncle red, you're just uncomfortable having women around. No, I'm not, harold. If my wife, bernice, was working-- ok, that's a bad example. But there are plenty of women who would be an addition to the team. Like that woman on "home time" or martina navratilova -- someone like that. Baloney, baloney, baloney, baloney, baloney! Noreen's a real helpful kind of person. She got the generator started when you guys couldn't. She knows when you're lost. That's got nothing to do with it. She's just not one of the guys. Hugging and kissing makes everybody feel bad. The guys who don't have girls feel bad. The married guys start thinking about what could have been, or should never have been if there was a kind, compassionate god. If you guys got problems in your relationships, it's always your fault. You guys could change. We don't want to change! Why do you think we started the lodge? (siren) possum 911 -- please state your membership card number! Oh, uh, hi, harold. Uh, is red there? Uh, hi, mr. Rothschild, what's up? Oh, nothing, you know? Just... Just driving around. Ok, so what's the emergency? Uh, no... No emergency, harold. Well, you did dial the 911 possum line. Oh, did I? Oh, sorry. I thought I was calling 411, actually. Yeah, information. Ok, what kind of information would you like, sir? Is... Is red there or, uh... It's ok to admit that you're lost, mr. Rothschild. I can give you directions. Lost?! Hah! Please, harold, I'm not lost. Never been lost a day in my life. You're lost, if you're thinking that way. Is red there? Yeah, I'm here, winston. I understand you're just driving around tonight. Yeah, just, uh, you know, coming back from an estate sale over at green slime harbour, and now I'm just kinda going home. Just noticed that they took the old water tower down. No, it's still there. It's just west of flinty mcclintock's scrap metal yard. Right. Oh... Oh, west of flinty's place... Yeah. Yeah, which is just north of the lodge. Ok. You know, winston, on a completely unrelated matter, we're having problems here with the electrical. A lot of shorts and the lights are flickering real bad. I don't know what the heck's going on. Ok! Wow! Look at that! They sure are sparking, there. Yeah. Well, bob's your uncle, molly's your aunt. I can see 'em from here. Thanks, red -- I'll be right over. Looks like it's just a right turn, a left, and another left. No, another right. That's what I said! (red): Time for "adventures with bill". The two lads are gonna cross the stream. My dad once told me that the journey of life is crossing a stream, and sometimes you get onto a wiggly rock and you gotta get off that right away. He said, "the most dangerous rocks are the big flat ones, "'cause you want to lie down and sun yourself on them." that wasn't a dangerous one. You want to sun yourself on a big rock. You don't want to move on, but you gotta move on. Oh, there you go. Move on, harold, move on. Away you go -- attaboy. So bill taking the backpack off. Resourcefulness is the secret to all camping trips. He whips out... What is that, now? That would be... That would be a rope. We have a rope in his pants. Be interesting to watch bill get dressed in the morning. No, probably not after breakfast -- anyway, he throws that across. And he lassees-- resourcefulness -- there we go again -- lassos a tree thing that was hanging there, probably from a previous trip of theirs. He has harold go and tie the other end. Harold does those fancy knots he learned from watching "the smurfs". There you go, harold -- end over end, up and over, inside out. What bill's gonna do is just use that-- there we go. Oh, my gosh. He's gonna use that to hold himself up, take the weight. You gotta realize that professional campers would use a wire cable or a pre-... A pre-stretched... Maybe not a cotton. Maybe something that doesn't have the give. Bill has not prepared as well as he should have. Am I right? Yeah, yeah! Anyway, I see -- he's staying with the theory, you know? Bill has a way of ignoring the evidence. Harold has the evidence and I ignore that, myself. He got across, that's the main thing. There's the resourcefulness kicking in. Like a towel, bill? Where did that come from? Well, now, wait a sec. How did harold get across? You were on the other side. How did you get-- oh, resourcefulness! (laughing) it's a bridge, bill. Huh? Yeah. Throw in the towel. Throw it in, throw it in. And don't worry, folks. Wherever they go, they'll be lost. Here are some cartoon drawings sent by some viewers. Well, good news. We got our barge and our junior back on track. You should be ashamed of yourself. Why? Junior and little noreen had a fight. Nothing to do with me. They're not even engaged and she's asking junior about having kids. She said she wanted to build lockers for life-jackets. When did you see adults wearing life-jackets? (audience laughing) she was getting junior onto a slippery slope. You could tell he wasn't comfortable with the subject. Well, who would be? All the lodge members goading him on, poking him in the ribs. I love when they have those polite fights. "dear... "I think you're wrong." "no, no, no, no. "it's you that is wrong." "no, no, no, no, no. "let's go discuss this in the car." "fine, fine, fine, fine!" and all through the clenched teeth. Clenched teeth, like that. If junior got any more cordial, he'd snap his upper plate. I hope they're ok. Yeah, sure they are. That's the second stage of a relationship -- anger. Relationships have stages? You got denial, then you got anger, then you got bargaining... Those are the stages of death and mourning. And marriage, harold. Oh, yeah, and marriage. It's that part of the show where we examine those three words that men find so difficult to say. (audience): "I don't know!" I love when they do that. All right, joining my uncle red on the expert portion is his best friend, mr. Hap shaughnessy. Applause, applause, applause. (applause) ok, um... Ok, ok, ok, ok! "dear experts, I am a student at a high school "in a faraway place, not near possum lake. "unlike your handsome nephew, harold, "I am having trouble at school with bullies. "what can I do about this? "signed, ivan ivanovitch." (audience laughing) well, ivan, you may not be as handsome as harold, but you have exactly the same handwriting. (harold): That's odd. (laughing) ok, uh, ivan. Ivan... You know. All right. Ivan, the best way to deal with bullies is to learn one of them self-defence things. They got the judo and the tae kwon-do. Yeah, and the fah-so la-ti-do. Pardon me, hap? Fah-so la-ti-do. It's a martial arts technique that I developed when I was dwight eisenhower's bodyguard. (audience laughing) (harold): I never heard of fah-so la-ti-do. I sang it a few times. I only taught it to a few people. It's a technique that combines karate, judo, ninja, and, uh, rhythmic gymnastics. (audience laughing) rhythmic gymnastics?! Isn't that where you do the gymnastics with the rubber ball and baton and you wave them big ribbons around? That's the one. I got a silver for that in the '52 olympics. I thought rhythmic gymnastics was a female competition. (audience laughing) I know -- I snuck in with the russian women. (laughing and applause) well, the barge is ready and junior's all set to cast off. Whoa! What about his girlfriend -- is she going? No, noreen's with her friends and junior's with his. Aw, they broke up. No, they had their fight -- that was the bargaining part. Now they're into the final stage -- acceptance. No more false pretences, no more being on your best behaviour. (laughing) that was junior's best behaviour? No, harold, they've reached the best part of a relationship. They're comfortable with each other. They're not spending time together. They're giving each other space. They're taking each other for granted. They accept the person for what they are. When I'm married, I'll spend time with my wife, tend to her needs, and be there for her. When I have a rolls royce, I'll wash and wax it every day. (audience laughing) (laughing) you'll never have a rolls royce. Right. (laughing and applause) (possum squeal) oh! Meeting time, harold. Away you go, away you go. I'm just kidding you! You'll probably get married. Hey, lyle lovett married julia roberts, for crying out loud. Yeah! Yeah! Mind you, it only lasted about an hour. (laughing) if my wife is watching, I'm coming right home after we do some fishing. I'm planning to ignore you, take you for granted, not talk to you, and I'm hoping you're in a romantic mood, too. The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and cheering) (possum squeal) (red): All right, harold. (harold): Up and at 'em, do your business. (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): Sit down. Junior singleton wanted me to announce that he has an '82 pacer that he would like to trade for a garbage can... Or a gremlin convertible. To join possum lodge or to get possum lodge merchande, call... Or check out harold's me page the internet. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. Boy, this is too much!